WTF Was I Thinking?

Dear Marylin:

After a lot of hard work, some soul searching, and meeting new people, I was finally over Boy From the Sea. But he called, and I went out with him tonight... I'm back at square one. WTF Was I thinking?

I got the sense that he wanted to make things right between us, reestablish our friendship, take it back to what it was, but only because someone else brought to his attention that he handled the situation poorly.

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow at a NYE Party, in fact, we might carpool, but I don't know which way is up? I can't handle not going, and I can't handle going.

I think I'm going to try to make it to this party tomorrow, and whatever happens, happens. Either way I'm going to end up, left in pieces. I feel like I need to go and allow myself to, because a part of me thinks this could be the day I get what I want.

My better judgement is telling me to stay and celebrate the new year with my new friends, who I adore. Good, genuine, kind, amazing people. But instead, I am probably going to end up following my naive, inexperienced heart. Honestly, I think he will always wield this power over me.

-Sparrow

Flight of the Sparrow

Dear Marilyn:

Hi, gorgeous! Remember my last post? Boy was I intoxicated that night. I went to work the next day, completely hungover. I spent the better half of the day moody, but eventually I got it together.

Today, I wasted my day moping around my place in a sweater and pj's, trying not to be affected by my conversation this morning with the boy from the sea. He casually mentioned he is getting closer to his ex (Marcello) and they might be getting back together. I congratulated him, I knew Boy from the sea had been wanting that, but Marcello wasn't going for it. I tried to fight off the feelings rushing through me, telling myself that Marcello lives down the street from him, I live sort of far. Boy from the sea and Marcello dated for a while, prior to his move. But then I couldn't avoid thinking that Marcello is really cute, in better shape than me, stylish and seemed to have lots of money.

Then I remembered that a few months ago, I almost ended up in bed with both of them (but we all got too drunk and woke up in different places). It helped a tiny bit.

I don't understand how one person could affect another so intensely. I never imagined I would be THAT person... and here we are.

I know this isn't the last of Boy from the sea, yet I can't help but want to disappear for a while. Fall of the face of the Earth. I fantasized about quitting my job, since I hate it anyway, packing it all up and quietly moving with either of my parents or my older sister. Dad lives in another country, which might be exactly what I'm looking for. I want to regroup, work on myself, heal and return a new person. The "new person" I am trying to morph into is in fact, my old self. My charismatic, confident, aloof, former self.

I realize it sounds a bit dramatic but I could really use a Madonnaesque reinvention, and the satisfaction of a grand Cheresque comeback. I've done it before and it's an amazing feeling. Vindication.

I'm a gypsy and I have known it's been time to move on for a while now. We'll see. I'm trying to be rational about this.

TTYL.

F.O.D.

Friend of Dorothy (F.O.D.): A euphemism used for discussing sexual orientation without others knowing its meaning.

Source: Wikipedia

Dear Marilyn:

Ooh, gurrrl! I am havin' a really gay night, honay. I had Italian for dinner and watched Margaret Cho (CHO: Revolution)... hence the extra gay, asian-american accent with a tablespoon of ebonics, heavy on the attitude. Dat gurrl iz so fagalicious... mmkay! A thank it'z the gayest of all her dvd's. Having been inspired after watching Ms. Cho, I cracked open a bottle of Chilean red wine (Carmenere).

As if that wasn't enough gay for one night, I moved on to a movie called "A Four Letter Word"... which is absolutely, hands-down, the gayest movie of all time. One of the characters was named after you, but she paled in comparison. Charlie David of Dante's Cove was in it... honey-chile, that boy is HOT!

Luke, the main character, was really annoying. I would never admit this to another gay, but gurrrl, he was so queeny and ovah da top! And not in a cute, adorable, funny way... he just got on ma-nerves! But din I watched the speshow feetchahs, and the actor was funny and charming, still queeny, but totally likeable, he also cowrote the movie. I "get it" though, the character is intended to be annoying and over the top, it's a statement and the film is making fun of sterotypical gay guys but after a bottle of wine, I'z just gonna tell it like it is, honey. You know what else I saw in da speshow featchahs, doll? Da directah had a big ol' herpes on his mouth, gurl. Just keepin' it real.

Oh my my, I just now glanced over at the mirror and my teeth are completely purple. So is my tongue. Mission accomplished. Lots of teeth whitening products tomorrow.

Shit, I spilled some wine. I'm off to watch Kiss the Bride.

Ciao bella

Which Side of the Bed Do You Sleep On?

Dear, Marilyn

Which side of the bed did you sleep on? I'm not quite sure which side of the bed is mine. I wonder if that means anything? Like, am I "still finding myself", or am I unconventional or whatever?

When I'm alone I mostly sleep on the left side, although sometimes I sleep om the right and often times right in the center. When the boy from the sea and I share a bed, he usually sleeps on the left, me on the right.

There's only been one other guy to stay over, Kelly. When Kelly's spent the night, I sleep on the right, him on the left.

Maybe it has to do with roles. Boy from the sea is a little older than me, a little more dominant, taller, more confident than I am. Kelly on the other hand is younger, shorter, less confident, I'm a little more dominant.

What do you think? I'm overanalyzing this aren't I?

Where's My Xanax?

Dear, Marilyn

I'm wishing I hadn't forgotten my Xanax at home today. My doctor prescribed it to me to help me fall asleep but right now I really need to take a chill pill. I'll tell you more later tonight, or else I'd just be word vomiting on you.

Kisses, darling...

I Knew A Boy, He Came From The Sea

Dear, Marilyn

I'm in an odd mood tonight. Not a bad mood, more like a good mood really, but it's different. I feel like my life might be slowly shifting into place, or (at the risk of sounding like a horoscope) like something is on the horizon.

I'm relieved to be speaking to my "best friend", again. He's a boy I know, "He came from the sea", we'll call him, Boy from the sea. The truth is, he really is my best friend, but things got complicated between us, for a while there... until he decided to simplify things. He didn't think it was a good idea to carry on with our extra curricular activities. I was really hurt; it didn't go down smoothly and we weren't speaking as much. Things had changed between us. This weekend we both went to a mutual friends party and we made up... and hooked up again. Our friendship fell right back into place. He's the first guy I've ever had feelings for; the first person I hooked up with. After "going there" with him again, I feel much better about the situation. Even though those few weeks when we weren't speaking much, as unsettling as it was, I think I grew tremendously from it. Oddly, things are more complicated now, but I understand what his intentions were.

Timing might not be on our side now, but who knows what the future holds? I'm just glad to have an ally again.

Dear, Marilyn

Dear, Marilyn

I watched a movie, today called "The Chorus". During the previews, I was reminded of you. The preview was for a movie called "Dear, Frankie"! It's about a boy who receives letters from his supposed sailor father (who he's never met) every month. It turns out, the boys mother had been writing the letters all along and out of desperation hired Gerard Butler to pretend to be the boys father.

That's all. Goodnight, Marilyn.

AbNot

Dear, Marilyn

So I went to a meeting that lasted about 15-20 minutes, mostly executives and a few managers. The entire time I'm in the meeting making a conscious effort to look like I'm not sitting in my chair, completely judging every other person in the room (well, not EVERY other person, but mostly everyone), is that wrong of me? The meeting was about: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I'm dead serious, there was nothing that came out of that meeting. At one point, a senior executive was informing the group about a database that had nothing to do with the group in the room, someone should have stopped her and informed her it was the wrong forum for that discussion. As she regurgitated words in a half witted attempt at explaining, she used words like "centralize" and "essentially" in the wrong context. I know one of the other executives caught on to it, I figured he might, but he is a huge bitch, totally afraid of her so he wouldn't dare say anything. The rest of them are all pretty dense and are fooled by her trickery. Using "big words" like 'centralize' and 'essentially' works on them.

I headed straight to another meeting. As I walked down the hall, I paid special attention to the names and titles on the doors of all the other offices and thought to myself, "WOW! I work with a bunch of fu**ing idiots." This meeting lasted about 10 minutes. You want to know what it was about? Yeah, you guessed it: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I can't even remember a single word from that meeting. It was such a waste of time. I think I lost brain cells just sitting there. In order to make use of the 10 minute waste of time, I worked on my signature - that way at least I did something productive. The others probably thought I was taking notes but I was really just scribbling my name over and over, experimenting with the look of my signature.

Happy Birthday, Marilyn, You're a Gemini

Dear, Journal

I've just decided at this very moment that I'm going to start a journal, I need to in order to hold on to my sanity. As I'm sitting in my office writing this entry, I'm looking to my "inspiration wall" for a name to call this here journal. An image of Marilyn Monroe which I tacked up, popped out more than any other. It's a sign, I'm calling you Marilyn. Happy Birthday, Marilyn, you're a Gemini.