Come to Jesus With The Wizard of Oz

I had a 'come to Jesus' talk with my friend Oz, about Boy From The Sea. We are all at party last night; today Oz took me out, then when we got back he laid it out for me. He told me I deserve better than Boy From The Sea. I know it's true; I need to do something, but I don't want to. My heart and brain are in conflict... complete disagreement. I've got some soul searching to do over the long weekend.

Any suggestions?

WTF Was I Thinking?

Dear Marylin:

After a lot of hard work, some soul searching, and meeting new people, I was finally over Boy From the Sea. But he called, and I went out with him tonight... I'm back at square one. WTF Was I thinking?

I got the sense that he wanted to make things right between us, reestablish our friendship, take it back to what it was, but only because someone else brought to his attention that he handled the situation poorly.

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow at a NYE Party, in fact, we might carpool, but I don't know which way is up? I can't handle not going, and I can't handle going.

I think I'm going to try to make it to this party tomorrow, and whatever happens, happens. Either way I'm going to end up, left in pieces. I feel like I need to go and allow myself to, because a part of me thinks this could be the day I get what I want.

My better judgement is telling me to stay and celebrate the new year with my new friends, who I adore. Good, genuine, kind, amazing people. But instead, I am probably going to end up following my naive, inexperienced heart. Honestly, I think he will always wield this power over me.

-Sparrow

Flight of the Sparrow

Dear Marilyn:

Hi, gorgeous! Remember my last post? Boy was I intoxicated that night. I went to work the next day, completely hungover. I spent the better half of the day moody, but eventually I got it together.

Today, I wasted my day moping around my place in a sweater and pj's, trying not to be affected by my conversation this morning with the boy from the sea. He casually mentioned he is getting closer to his ex (Marcello) and they might be getting back together. I congratulated him, I knew Boy from the sea had been wanting that, but Marcello wasn't going for it. I tried to fight off the feelings rushing through me, telling myself that Marcello lives down the street from him, I live sort of far. Boy from the sea and Marcello dated for a while, prior to his move. But then I couldn't avoid thinking that Marcello is really cute, in better shape than me, stylish and seemed to have lots of money.

Then I remembered that a few months ago, I almost ended up in bed with both of them (but we all got too drunk and woke up in different places). It helped a tiny bit.

I don't understand how one person could affect another so intensely. I never imagined I would be THAT person... and here we are.

I know this isn't the last of Boy from the sea, yet I can't help but want to disappear for a while. Fall of the face of the Earth. I fantasized about quitting my job, since I hate it anyway, packing it all up and quietly moving with either of my parents or my older sister. Dad lives in another country, which might be exactly what I'm looking for. I want to regroup, work on myself, heal and return a new person. The "new person" I am trying to morph into is in fact, my old self. My charismatic, confident, aloof, former self.

I realize it sounds a bit dramatic but I could really use a Madonnaesque reinvention, and the satisfaction of a grand Cheresque comeback. I've done it before and it's an amazing feeling. Vindication.

I'm a gypsy and I have known it's been time to move on for a while now. We'll see. I'm trying to be rational about this.

TTYL.

Which Side of the Bed Do You Sleep On?

Dear, Marilyn

Which side of the bed did you sleep on? I'm not quite sure which side of the bed is mine. I wonder if that means anything? Like, am I "still finding myself", or am I unconventional or whatever?

When I'm alone I mostly sleep on the left side, although sometimes I sleep om the right and often times right in the center. When the boy from the sea and I share a bed, he usually sleeps on the left, me on the right.

There's only been one other guy to stay over, Kelly. When Kelly's spent the night, I sleep on the right, him on the left.

Maybe it has to do with roles. Boy from the sea is a little older than me, a little more dominant, taller, more confident than I am. Kelly on the other hand is younger, shorter, less confident, I'm a little more dominant.

What do you think? I'm overanalyzing this aren't I?

I Knew A Boy, He Came From The Sea

Dear, Marilyn

I'm in an odd mood tonight. Not a bad mood, more like a good mood really, but it's different. I feel like my life might be slowly shifting into place, or (at the risk of sounding like a horoscope) like something is on the horizon.

I'm relieved to be speaking to my "best friend", again. He's a boy I know, "He came from the sea", we'll call him, Boy from the sea. The truth is, he really is my best friend, but things got complicated between us, for a while there... until he decided to simplify things. He didn't think it was a good idea to carry on with our extra curricular activities. I was really hurt; it didn't go down smoothly and we weren't speaking as much. Things had changed between us. This weekend we both went to a mutual friends party and we made up... and hooked up again. Our friendship fell right back into place. He's the first guy I've ever had feelings for; the first person I hooked up with. After "going there" with him again, I feel much better about the situation. Even though those few weeks when we weren't speaking much, as unsettling as it was, I think I grew tremendously from it. Oddly, things are more complicated now, but I understand what his intentions were.

Timing might not be on our side now, but who knows what the future holds? I'm just glad to have an ally again.